I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.

I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.