I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.