I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.