There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.