There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.