There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.