When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?