When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.