When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.