When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?