When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.