I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.