I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.
In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.
Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.
I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.
A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.