I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!

I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

Competition is the death of art.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.