I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.