I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!

Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!