I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.