I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.