Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.