Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.

Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?