What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.

If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.