What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.

If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.

A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!