Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right

I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!

Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.