Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.