Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.