Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.