I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.