Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.