Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.