Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.