I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.

Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?