I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.

If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.