I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.