My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.