My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.

They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.