My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.