My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.