My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea.

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.