Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.