Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.

I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.

There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.