Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?

Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!

Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.