Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.

Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.