Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.