Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.