Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.

The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.

If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?