Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.