For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.