For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.