The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.