The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.