Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.

There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.