Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.