Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.