Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?

Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.

The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.