Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.