Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.

Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.

Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.

I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.