I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.

Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.