I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.