I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.

If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.