No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.