No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

Competition is the death of art.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.