When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.