When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!