When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.

They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.