If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.