If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.