I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.