I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.