I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.