When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?
Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.
My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.
As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.