I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.