Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.

If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.