Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.

Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.