Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.

Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.

What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.