Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.