Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

That which does not kill you isn't finished.