Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.