Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.