Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.
My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.
Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.