Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.

I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?