Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.

I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!

They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.