Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.