I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.

If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.