I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.

Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?