I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.