I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!

If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.