There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.