There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.