Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?