Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.