Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right

The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?