Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!

In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.