Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?