Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

The average permanent lasts about four months.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.