There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.