There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.