There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.

I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.