There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.

The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.