That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.

There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!

Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.