That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.