I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.