I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.