I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.

Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.