Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!
They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.
What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?