What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.