What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.