My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.
If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.
Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.