The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.