A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.