A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.

Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.