I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.

One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.