I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.

Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?

The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.