Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.