Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.