Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.

I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.