The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.

Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.

Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.