The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.