The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.