The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.

One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.

I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.