I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.