I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.