I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.

Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.