I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.