I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.