Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.