Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.