Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.

A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.

Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.