Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.