Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.