Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.