Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!