Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.

If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.