You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.