You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.