Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.
Why do old people drive with their mouths open?
Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.