The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.

The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.