The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.