Competition is the death of art.

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.