The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.

Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.