The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.