The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.