The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.