The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.